After a couple of months, I put my heart in the fridge. I want the cold to freeze all the moments and feelings forever. I want to move on and live other things. When I say in the fridge, I mean almost literally. I have never been this cold-hearted about it. I can picture myself grabbing my heart, taking it out of my chest, and placing it inside a glass-sealed container to put it side the darkest part of the fridge. I have been in love with love since I was a teen.
Welcome to my Blog, "Kitchen and letters."
I have been writing in Spanish for some time, but today is in English Hurray!! I have many thoughts; you might get 3 for 1 today! But in Spanish, some of them.
I was busy writing a speech for work, and I'm better at translating what people what to say than I thought I was. This makes me proud. It has been a childhood dream to get paid to write.
I will jump right to it; I have not had good luck in love; if you read my previous post, La Conquista de Agata, you will read about my love quest. I know it is not only my situation. I do not blame it on anyone. We all have our stories to tell when it comes to our lives. We all have lived and have had our hearts broken. It's different from how we see things or what we were trained to do. It's about habits since childhood, how broken we decided to continue to be, and how much we have idealized love over the years. We idealize every person and story that comes our way, but we still need to remember must idealize ourselves first. Strange right?
It was Sunday midday; I walked to the mountains nearby with a friend and our dogs. It was gorgeous; it has free and fresh. I love walking in the mountains. I like the freshness and how my dogs feel so free too. I enjoy the air in my face and the roughness of it too. When I'm single, I often go to the mountains; I spend much of my time outdoors or doing things I enjoy. It's strange; when I am with a partner, I prioritize his way of living, putting mine aside, as if I am doing it just for a bit, as if I know that things might not be forever. In other words, I camouflage. That is not good, but I do it to be liked. It isn't a woman thing, an age thing, or just a thing. I did it most of the time; it's a terrible habit.
I returned home and made myself a Sunday breakfast( I have this tradition of making hotcakes with anything else I can find in the fridge on Sundays, especially during F1 season, on race day). I put something on Youtube. I started watching a film that Cris Evan directed, "Before we go," yesterday, I paused it, and I re-started it while I was making breakfast; as I was watching it again, I questioned, Why if I have put my heart on the fridge, I want to keep watching love stories? What do I keep looking for, and what makes me feel like? This is a cute movie about love, age, and how we need to find ourselves to find love. It's set in New York City. I like the vibe in the film.
The truth is I blame it on Ethan Hawke! HAHA, for being a fan of romantic films. I mean, how cute is he? Especially with time, he has aged very well, From the first movie to the last book he wrote, especially to the Before Trilogy and all the interviews I have seen of him. I do blame it on him. I have followed his career for many years. " Before Sunrise " made me want to travel across Europe and the other movies afterward. In his first book, "The Hottest State," the way he describes the girl and talks with sincerity about her too. I love how descriptive his text is; you can see he is an actor or that he sees in images. To tell the truth, I am also a HUGE admirer of his work and personality.
I did fall in love with the men he characterizes, but they are honest, romantic, crazy love-you-forever types. Have you seen " Before midnight? Is real. I love films like this that show you love in different stages and ways to love a man or a woman. Yes, in more ways than one is unreal to think like that, and as I have had heartbreaks, I have had love stories that can make you cry! The crazy thing is that for a great story to be great, it has to continue with the rollercoaster it is to be in a relationship. We do have an idea of a relationship, as we have a relationship with ourselves daily. That is a relationship we can not avoid having; whether we like it or not, we are in a relationship with ourselves. I believe in romantic love, in a big part for the movies I watch, yes, but also for the relationship I see with my parents( when I refer to my parents, I refer to my mom and stepfather). I know that one is real! When I say real, it is REAL. They have gone through all the possible scenarios you can imagine going through and are standing. How do they do it? I don't know, but I know they do. I admire them, and I want a relationship close to the one my parents have had for over 31 years. Why are we not choosing to be in a strong relationship with one another if we are willing to go over the moon to improve ourselves?
Why did I decide to talk about this today? This was going to be a different topic for today. I have two other things that I want to write about. However, watching Cris Evans's film made me wonder, How do I break a habit I created for many years? How do I stop? Do I stop the same way that you will stop making any bad habits I have? Do I go cold-hearted/turkey in the freezer?
That is what I have been doing for the past months. Breaking the habit is hard! really hard. To end so many bad habits and thoughts, to so many ways I reacted. I have set boundaries about everything. I am not angry or bitter about it, but I am disappointed. Disappointed at how I managed things in the past and how I did not put limits before. Now, I'm not allowing anything to pass. I went from being a desire for older men to being a desire for younger, but after all these desirings with no real intention of staying. I am just a desire that will not go anywhere; I'm not for marriage or a serious relationship type. There I have said it publicly! I have thought about that my whole life. I have seen so many of my ex marry, even with girls with similar traits, but they did not choose me for some reason! I see now that it was the right choice. However, it would have been nice to have been asked! And then is when I regret so many other good relationships I could have had; yes, I believe I'm not the only one who thinks this way. In our single life, while trying to " fix" ourselves either by ourselves or through therapy, we will go over the past repeatedly, not as a reminder, but as how we can do things differently in the future.
Is hard to write so publicly about this, but lately, I have decided to be free when I write. I have decided to write so I can connect with people, and people can connect with something that I am saying. I put my heart out there when I write. I can not do it any other way, even if it feels that I am walking naked souled in front of you all.
This feels like a cry of my soul that can not find rest. Will I feel hopeless in love again? What will it take? Who will it take? At this moment, I don't want to be; I want to understand how I got here and where I should walk from now.
I know I need to better myself. I can see that being alone does not mean being lonely; that is a relief. Enjoying being me has been one of the most beautiful things I have learned in the past 6 months; that feels unreal for someone that always pictured herself happily with a partner.
With love,
Iliana
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