Hello, welcome to my blog "Kitchen and Letters:
This time I will talk about and again a "relationship" that recently finished. I put it in brackets because it was not a relationship. From the beginning, it had an expiration date. It has helped me understand how I have seen romantic love differently. I had to open my eyes to see it from a different perspective. Some people are in our lives for a while, whether we like it or not, and some people do not have the mission to stay in our lives. It is essential to experience both sides of the road.
In some cases, we do not have the mission of remaining with people we come across with. Maybe not in the way we want to belong together, but in a way, we will always connect. We all have been there. When he left, I knew it would be for a while. I have not wanted to communicate with anyone else. I have focused my time on doing other things.
What if we are holding into the memory of someone we loved more than we expected we would, than the person that hurt us the most? What if that is the cycle that is holding us from moving forward?
The man I have loved the most has been my father. Yes, I have daddy issues. Who doesn't?
I gave my father so many opportunities to see and care for me, but he was and is dealing with his issues that cannot see anything else beyond this present. He is from that generation of selfish older men who cannot understand women's power.
The healing pain inherited to me is my responsibility if I want to move forward in all aspects of my life. Yes, I loved my father as any little and sensible girl will do for many years until we can not continue to hold the pain in our hands because we only see it, and that is what we look for; it becomes like a drug. We look for that pain, that feeling over and over. That is the only thing that we think gives us value and meaning.
For the first time, I listened to the lumineers and the songs I used to hear the pieces with a particular person. I will call him Jesse( nothing else will make sense). My tears started rolling down my cheeks. I thought of all those times I loved with my entire heart and had to let go. This time was different; I could feel it and see how much he changed how I saw and felt about love.
The first time I met Jesse was in December 2021; that day, I was supposed to be on a plane to Miami, but a gut feeling made me decide not to go on that trip. I did not. Instead, I met Jesse without knowing so. He was looking for a photographer. He came to pick me up and drove to where he needed me to take photos. I had to take pictures of some little houses that he built. The place looked familiar. He felt familiar. I knew something would change in my life when I met him, I did not know what, but I had this gut feeling that something was about to change.
From that point onward, we had a relationship of some sort. Our first date was pretty amazing. Jesse cooked for me! I was in heaven. I truly felt I was in heaven, a younger man cooking and making an effort to cook for me when he knew I loved and I used to have a professional restaurant? That is knowing yourself.
As time passed, our non "relationship" was not perfect, and the day he was leaving arrived.
For the first time, I see the love this way. I might re-think how I have loved and see romantic love. I may have to unfold all to learn again. I loved Jesse so much. I miss him so much, and what we had was so unique that it was hard to let someone else into my life.
For the first time in my life, I do not miss him for what we could have been but because of what we were. I loved what we were, the little " meaning less" routines. I enjoyed that in such little time, we had our ways we communicated and connecting.
I used to hold onto the feeling of hurt, not because I wanted, but because I wanted to understand and see how can I try to diminish the chances of getting hurt again. I took my time sometimes when I started a new relationship. However, today as my tears began to roll, I thought; I still miss Jesse, which has stopped me from moving forward. He did not hurt me. He left because he wanted to move forward and move on with his life and was not where he wanted to be. I have been in his situation before. So, I should understand. Once, I left for the same reasons he left. I now can imagine the pain I caused and how hard it must have taken him to move on. Many parts of me do understand, but metaphorical love doesn't. If it does not make sense, it is like they say: it does not have to make sense. I feel it.
He might not look like Ethan Hawke, not even close. But we shared our love for the Before Trilogy; he knows them by heart. He might not be the most exciting person; nonetheless, he made me feel like that, and Jesse showed me he cared. Before him, I have had pain for so many years. Jesse is a simple guy; however, that simplicity makes him unique. It was easy, not always, but it was for most of it. We had this connection that took a lot of work to find. It is hard to put into words, especially when I do not see it physically. It was one of the few times that it felt right. I have not clung to him, or he was not to me. We had this understanding of freedom and closeness. Being with Jesse after so much pain was like seeing the blue sky for the first in a very long time.
Maybe he was here to remind me that loving someone is possible, even when I had to let him go.
Jesse freed me from the disappointment that I had had in the past. I don't want any more pain. As hard as it sounds, I want a calculated risk next time. I want to evaluate correctly before going head over heels for someone. I know now my pain did not start with my romantic relationship. I also understand that it hurts more to let go of someone you love than someone you allow to hurt you.
Loving someone is a strange thing if you think about it. Is the mix of two( sometimes more) people that initially " like" each other? Then a connection starts. However, those people have their own life and self-care issues that they are dealing with.
Strangely, returning to my father's issue; the few positive things I have from my father are my love and passion for F1. It is one of the few things I also share with my brother. Strange, because I never saw a race with my father. It had a negative connotation to me.
Anyway, for me is essential that it does not matter if I have loved or allowed people to hurt me. I have allowed and taken the risk to feel.
Thanks for reading me.
With love,
Iliana
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